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| Horny Toad. Common childhood buddy growing up in Oklahoma. |
doing Christmas shit. grrr.
I don't type a lot these days. Dr. Brock said it was okay to type my morning journaling. I'm journaling to make sure my day doesn’t get away from me. it's working so far because it helps me get in touch with my ideas, like buying Kyle some Nespresso pods for his birthday. plus I don't have to save it. I have a bunch of journal entries that I really need to burn. yeesh. who wants those lying around?
you can really get a lot on paper in 20 minutes, if that’s how long I sat a timer to do this. apparently I'm supposed to journal because that can help me get in touch with my own voice; the voice I use when I'm not trying to modify it to please anyone. and it helps you find who your real friends are, because those are the people you’re talking to when you discover you’re using your same journal voice.
I hope I grow my channel. I really want to know what it’s like to be successful monetarily and affluential-y - not a word I guess.
it's almost Christmas and I'm listening to Christmas music right now. I really need to make my thanksgiving video, but I'm coming up against resistance for that. I've been drinking coffee, but not enough.
thank goodness I already did my part for us to have dinner yesterday, so it can be ready pretty easily when Kyle gets home. plus I have a good salad to eat when I finally get hungry.
I don't really eat too much these days. I've been eating sugar more frequently too, and not blaming my diet for any of my autoimmune symptoms. I just try to allow whatever is arising, even if it was triggered by my diet; it’s an opportunity to calm down the physical and emotional inflammation through meditation.
how do you meditate? I meditate by focusing on self love. and I'm amazed at how uncomfortable it feels to love myself. it's like all of the rotten parts find love very unappetizing. and those rotten bits are taking their life-force from my consciousness, so their feelings drive my behavior. when they start to get ill, I feel ill. hopefully I can kill them slowly.
my new meaning for "kill", is "reintegrate back into my wholeness". that’s what literal death is about to me; getting reabsorbed back into god. losing your individual characteristics and preferences for the sake of being reintegrated back into god. that's a nice thought; takes the pressure off.
I want to love this container and all of its' preferences, but its kind of miserable to be a self. and we’re all going to die eventually. it’s all a dream, basically for nothing. nothing is lost, because everything we love ultimately gets reabsorbed back into god. no memory of our personhood; of our relationships. god isn’t even aware of itself. I wonder how many scrap books it has in its' memory banks that it doesn’t even see value in revisiting. how many relationships existed in other universes that ‘happened’ before this one? does any of it matter?
I'm obsessed with Shawn Mendes. He's angelic. I just want to merge with him. omg how emo. how insane. it's what it’s like though. it's like you're not second-chakra-horny. it’s like you’re horny with your heart. that is such a funny line and probably so unappealing to many.
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