Kyle got his first round of the Pfizer vaccine today. I haven’t gotten one yet, because it’s a pattern of mine to be overly cautious of the medical system. But I know for me personally, it’s a trauma pattern, not a logical one.
Still, I know the way to address that is to honor my feelings, no matter what. Meaning, I don’t just repress them and get the vaccine. Those are the kind of decisions that keep lack of self trust in place.
At first this pattern was really unconscious. Meaning, I just took this belief that the medical system is unsafe as fact. And because of cognitive bias, my mind would filter out evidence of safety in the medical system, and fixate on stories of fear.
It wasn’t until someone I really respected (for a certain aspect of their life that was going really well) posted a YouTube video about their elaborate conspiracies about the Illuminati that I was like, “this is fear gone so awry. And anyone is susceptible to it. Maybe my fear of the medical system, including vaccines, is on the same spectrum as this guy.”
That’s when I did my little trick where I acknowledge the fear, and then I “give it to God”. I trust that it will be resolved for me. I leave the “how” to a higher power, and I wait to recognize the opportunity for a new resolution to show up.
I have to say, one good thing about my relationship with Kyle is that we’ve both grown up so much to recognize that it is appropriate to allow the other person the freedom to make their own decisions.
In the past I might have been tempted to control his decision to get the vaccine, and he might have felt tempted to pressure me into getting one. But now we just talk about things a lot, and allow the other person to have total agency over their own life.
Last night Kyle got up after he went to bed, which is uncharacteristic of him. I was cleaning the cat litter box (finally!) and I noticed that he was kind of hovering, listening intently to me rambling about the litter box. It suddenly occurred to me that something was up with him.
I took a quick scan of my intuition to see what that might be and remembered that he was supposed to get the vaccine in the morning. I asked him, “are you nervous about getting the vaccine tomorrow?” And he said, “yes.” He rambled a couple of things that conveyed his conflict and confusion about it.
I thought about what I could say to him, and nothing came to mind. I couldn’t reassure him that it was safe, and that everything would be okay, because I didn’t know. So I said, “I wish there was something I could say to make you feel more confident about it.” At that point he reassured me that it wasn’t my job.
Then I thought about what I would do to comfort myself if I were in his shoes, and it seemed to be appropriate to remind him that he already made this decision. Meaning he already knows why he’s doing this, and he already decided to do it, despite the risks of uncertainty, so he doesn’t need to trouble his brain with deliberating on the night when he has to be up in 6 hours.
Something shifted in him, and he seemed resolved about it again. “You’re right,” he said. “I’m getting this so I can go out in public again without worrying about COVID.” Then he flexed his bicep, lol ❤️. At least that’s how I remembered it 😁.
I felt called to share this today. Hope it’s useful.
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